THE STORY

This all started, because of people. Specifically people in my life that had been my biggest fans and supporters of my artistic passion. There were always suggestions of becoming a graphic designer, an illustrator, a game designer, and a t-shirt designer. I pushed against many of these, because I wanted to be “different” from all the other artists I knew. I viewed the artistic world as a constant competition, often peering into the toxic realms of that mindset. I became prideful of my work, no matter how many times I’d refuse compliments on my art. I believed deep down that I had to be the best. More people have to like me for me to be successful. I believed that for a while, and as a result became an artist for people. Not artistic or creative for my own enjoyment. Other people’s joy became my well for happiness. And that may not sound so bad, but I stopped loving art as this ever-changing thing and more as a means to be wanted or desired. And so, when people didn’t like my art, I took it personally. And would stop being creative for long periods of time (artist block). 

I doubted my passion, because of who I put my beliefs and trust in. And around this time I had been claiming the Christian lifestyle, but lukewarm in living it out. 

 

Fast forward to February 3, 2022. I had been kind of in that same mindset of claiming the Christian life and being inconsistent in living it out. I had still been making art, but by God’s timing and grace I was able to pour my art out in poems and  was making art for God and not for me. I wasn’t making much money with my poems, and so a couple friends of mine recommended making merch to promote my poems. I finally gave it a try, and enjoyed it much more than I anticipated. It was very God-focused when I started. But as time went on, I became less and less prayerful about what I was producing and began pumping out designs and merch I hadn’t surrendered to God first. This activity, became less of a God and I thing, and more of a me thing. And it showed in my life. I became more angry often, tired and unmotivated with new ideas, I spent hours and hours scrolling for “inspiration” (but really just comparing my artistic & spiritual walk with others, and speaking death over myself). I fell back into temptations and I tried controlling every piece of it, failing and time and time again, because I was relying too much on myself and not on God. I was looking to myself to build a business I had no experience in. 

 

Fast forward again, I went for a walk. And God gave me this wonderful revelation. I had been asking God to move in my life and the lives of others for forever basically. But I wasn’t believing He could actually do it. And I wasn’t walking through the doors He had made to create the shift. I was doing the “hearing” God and not “doing” what He said. Because I preferred my narrative over His. He humbled me greatly. And I finally got to this point, that if God took away my life, took away CP!K, and my gifts, I’d still have God. I’d still have everything I’d ever need. 

 

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